The Penseive's Full
by GGJ5
Summary: A series of nonchronological oneshots: flashes of the past of the Potions Master. Eventual SSxLE.
1. Platform Nine and Three Quarters

**Platform Nine and Three Quarters**

No one told him it would be like this. Platform Nine and Three-Quarters, and he had to run himself into a wall? _A wall?_ Perfect. At least he wasn't alone.

"Go with me," he muttered into the arm of the sullen woman beside him, for her arm was as high as he could reach.

"Of course, I'll go with you, Severus," came the quiet reply. "You needn't be so nervous. How can you imagine making friends while hiding behind my elbow?"

He looked up from the burnt orange cloth into which he'd been burying his eyes. She was smiling. He liked it when she smiled.

"You've got everything you need, all right? And you can send an owl whenever you like." She said this, but Severus didn't believe. He didn't want his dad to get the owl by mistake.

She held him by his shoulder and walked him forward. He pulled back.

She bent down swiftly to meet his eyes. "_Come."_ Her face had no more feeling—it was normal again.

She pulled by his wrist now. "You will be glad you went, Severus. It's where you belong. Trust me." And they continued walking.

The bricks were very close. Was she crazy, his mother, to think they could walk through walls? He closed his eyes tight. Strange things had happened before, but he'd never walked through solid—

"Open your eyes, Severus."

He did.

A brilliantly scarlet locomotive steamed before his eyes. _We made it!_

"It's waiting for you."

He looked into her face again. "Just me?" No response. "You're not coming?"

She looked ahead. "I told you I would come with you _here._ You didn't think I meant I'd be following you to Hogwarts?" Severus thought he heard her give a funny laugh, but wasn't sure.

"No," he lied. "I know you can't go…" He wanted to say "with me", but people were looking at him now, and what if they thought he wasn't brave enough? He'd been brave before… His memory flashed back a short little ways, to just the other day…

"_Is that letter for me?"_

"_Shut up, Severus!" In a few steps he cornered his mother, and he was ranting about the letter, and then something else that didn't make sense, and then his mother retorted, and then had to duck…_

_Severus's eyes opened wide, though before he was just turning to leave them to it. This was new. This wasn't right. He'd never done _that_ before… Surely he wouldn't do—_

_A woman's scream erupted in his ears. And with it, such anger as he'd never felt before. A rush of light filled his vision, and his feet were taking him somewhere, flying him fast. And a moment later, he could see everything again. His father was on the other side of the room now, his back to them, cradling something… had he broken something?_

_A familiar hand tugged on his clothes. "Get—out!" His mother was pulling him quick out their door. _

"_Mum?"_

"_Be quiet, Severus!" she hissed._

_She closed it behind them and did something funny to the doorknob. "We're going to a friend's home to visit, Severus…"_

"_All right." His eyes drifted to her hand, where it held a crumpled and wrinkled chunk of oldish papers. He wanted to smile, but it wasn't right. But at the same time, he couldn't help it… he'd protected her…!_

A loud train whistle woke him from his trance.

"Hurry, Severus, get on!" His mother pushed him and his belongings (not many of his things resided at the house where he'd been staying) toward the train.

He wrapped himself around her one last time, though in seconds his mother pried him off her. "Go."

"Mum…" He felt like he should say _something_ to her, to let her know he didn't want to see her hurt.

She wasn't even looking at him now.

He sighed. _That's as good as it's going to get._ And heaving his things onto his shoulders to carry, he struggled up the steps. At the last one, his foot missed and back he and his belongings fell in a swoop onto the ground.

"Come on, come on," someone's grown voice called impatiently from the interior of the train.

And as he turned the corner into the train and supposed he should find a compartment, he heard snickering. It didn't take much thought to know to whom it was directed. And though he poised himself so that he looked defiant, maybe angry, his field of vision clouded a bit. He blinked it away furiously, storming faster and faster past the windows as the train lurched forward. It caught him off guard, and he stumbled forward. Feeling his face flush, he turned haphazardly into the nearest compartment, muttering, "I don't care who—"

Four pairs of laughing eyes met his face. At his sight, they quickly stopped and turned to the window. Severus, now reluctant more than ever, sat, though keeping himself in the farthest corner.

"So…" one of them said slowly. "I'm Remus… Remus Lupin. Who're you?"

It took him a moment to realize it was he who was being addressed. Severus did not take his eyes off of the wall nearest him. "Severus Snape."

The bespectacled one next to him snickered, he was sure. And those four went back to their own conversations, the one nearest him kept on about the House Quidditch teams and other stuff he couldn't care less about. But though in the same small quarters, he felt as though he was unwillingly under an Invisibility Cloak. And he was certain that when they dropped their voices, they were talking about him. So far, he didn't feel like he belonged very much.

_Mum's a liar._


	2. The Sorting

**The Sorting **

"Firs' years, firs' years, this way!"

In the darkness he examined absentmindedly the three other pairs of shoes staring back at him. They nicely reflected the little bit of firelight that broke the blackness of the lake. Severus also noted that his shoes did not reflect.

He glanced around him. The other three in the boat with him were peering eagerly over the boat's edge and across the lake. The one next to him, Remus Lupin, was stretching his neck as far as possible over the edge to absorb the approaching vista. Severus took the advantage to set himself as far from the others in the boat as physically possible. These weren't the ones he'd be friends with; there'd be others. These didn't like him. He could tell. He was good at that.

Severus allowed himself a look upward, over the heads of the two ahead of him, and took in the sight of the goliath castle before him. Parts of it seemed to jut out over nothing, while others spiraled into towering turrets. Thousands of windows blinked back their orange lights, like enormous fireflies in thick syrup. He didn't know why he felt like something was stuck somewhere between his heart and throat, but he gritted his teeth, unconsciously gliding his thumb over his wand. The fact that he held his wand in his hands while all the others had theirs waiting in their dormitories made him smile in the shadow of the massive man leading them all.

"Here we are," said the towering man through his thick beard. "Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

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Even the joshing foursome he'd traveled with the entire journey fell silent as they walked single file into the Great Hall. Severus suddenly felt much more at ease with those around him so taken aback. While Severus had had foreknowledge of what Hogwarts would be like, clearly _they'd_ not known what to expect. A pasty-faced boy not far ahead of him kept shifting his weight and anxiously twisting his hands into his robes. Severus recalled him from the train ride, but couldn't remember anyone actually using his name. He then eyed Remus Lupin in front of him, who was staring, fascinated, into the enchanted ceiling above him, sandy hair getting too close to Severus's face. He took a step back and glanced behind him. There stood the bespectacled boy Severus had learned was called James. He, as opposed to Lupin, seemed much more relaxed, and spotting Severus's eyes on him, emitted something of a lopsided grin.

"So," he muttered. "Ready to be Sorted?"

_What kind of question is that? There's no "readying" needed for sorting… _Severus bit his tongue.

Apparently, James took his silence as uncertainty. "Well," he continued, inching closer to make sure he was heard. "The Sorting involves a few things… first, you need to get past the vipers, but that won't be a problem for you, right?"

Severus raised a brow.

"And then, of course, you've gotta prove yourself worthy of your House by bringing back a sucker from the giant squid in the—"

"Oh, shut up!" Severus hissed, and made a mental note to hex him the firs time he saw James alone.

"All right mate, just trying to warn you," James shrugged as a somber-looking witch walked before the long line of waiting, anxious first years and sat an old wizard's hat –The Sorting Hat, Severus noted—on top of a simple stool.

The Sorting Hat belted out a lengthy rhyme which lasted, in Severus's mind, far too long. At the end of it all, he didn't even remember one phrase from the hat's chanting. But other students must have found it extraordinary, because in the end they gave the hat a horribly loud applause, with a few onomatopoeias thrown out, too.

And one by one the line dwindled. He watched the students from his shared compartment as they waited their turn. Only a few names passed before the first of the group was called: the dark-haired and proud looking with those grey eyes stepped from the line as he was called.

"Black, Sirius."

Sirius Black walked quickly to the shabby hat and pulled it onto his head, staring directly into the four long, filled tables facing him in anticipation.

The hat's mouth ripped open.

_GRYFFINDOR! _

The scarlet-clad table nearest to them erupted into cheers, as, by the time three students had been Sorted, Severus had come to expect. Sirius, looking pleasantly surprised, leapt off the stool and found his place at the Gryffindors' table.

After the Sortings of Diggs, Christopher (_HUFFLEPUFF!_), Evans, Lily (_GRYFFINDOR!)_, Hutchins, Frederick (_SLYTHERIN!)_ Jenkins, Bertha (_RAVENCLAW!)_, Remus Lupin (or, in this case, Lupin, Remus) was called forward. Even though at least a dozen and a half students had preceded him, he still looked like he wasn't sure what he should do. But, as soon as the hat brushed against his light and tossed hair, it shouted unabashedly that he was to go in _GRYFFINDOR!_

Apparently, this year Gryffindor was the place to be, thought Severus indifferently. His mother had mentioned many things to him over the years about the wizarding world and but she'd never mentioned which House she was in, or why everyone seemed to make such a big commotion about them. Severus had started thinking after Avery, Phoebus was Sorted into Slytherin that the whole thing was a waste of time. He couldn't care less, frankly, he told himself.

Eventually, all the boys from his compartment had been Sorted, and now there was no one left to watch. Both Peter Pettigrew (the nervous and watery-eyed boy whose name Severus never heard on the train) and James (whose name he learned was Potter) were Sorted into Gryffindor, and now he was one of the last half-dozen or so remaining.

"Snape, Severus," said the solemn witch, peering at the tail end of her parchment through her square spectacles.

And even still, though he'd watched so many before him and though he thought their uncertainty silly, when Severus stepped from his place his feet seemed much heavier than normal. And even with the newfound lead in his feet, he sat beneath the hat, eyes closed. The thought of looking back at all the school as they sucked in his every detail was much more terrifying than sitting under an ancient hat.

_Well,_ he heard the hat in his ears muse. _You certainly seem ready for Slytherin, but with your heritage, Salazar would not be pleased._

**_Great, then put me somewhere else. I don't care._ **

_No, no, you would not be the only one like you in Slytherin. I see too much of a desire to prove yourself, ambition, and immense ability. You would do quite well in Slytherin. Yes, that's your place. So, let it be then, you've found your place in SLYTHERIN!_

For the first time in his memory, Severus's presence was greeted with approval.

He took in the faces around him. They continued to watch the Sorting ceremony for the most part, but a few he met eye to eye. One he saw nearby he recognized as Phoebus Avery, one of the first Sorted. Avery nodded toward him shortly in recognition, then returned his eyes to the last ones being Sorted. Severus looked toward the other end of the table. A younger girl sat very near to a fourth year boy with whom she was chatting loudly. She had very dark and thick hair, and even darker eyes, and her countenance was smug, as if she had something no one else did, but everyone desired. The one she was talking to was white-blond with the same grey eyes as Sirius Black, but his were much more like stone. He was fair-skinned and had very angular features. Severus saw that on the _other_ side of the dark-haired student sat a very blonde girl, about the same age as her neighbor, whose blue eyes were boring into the brunette's turned head. On her face was an utter look of disgust, and it seemed the three were more absorbed in their triangle than anything else in the room.

Severus looked for some more first years, and decided to give up after counting only three others when, after the headmaster had said what he needed to say, the school in one swift motion moved as one to the massive double doors and up to their respective Houses.

"All right, first years," a strong voice ordered from somewhere to Severus's right. "Follow me."

He saw the elusive first years he'd missed earlier following close behind a prefect with very short brown hair and a statue-esque face. The prefect saw him set apart and, sighing, motioned for him. "C'mere."

As they stood before the portal which hid the Slytherin common room, the prefect explained that the password would change about every term, and that "This term's password is _sangue puro_. Means 'pure-blood'," he added with a shrug.

Severus bit the inside of his mouth. Hard.

_Wonderful_, he thought. _Simply wonderful. _

**--Author's Note: So it was kindly pointed out to me that my timeline was quite a bit off, and it would drive me nuts to leave something like that unfixed. So. I've changed it. :) That's why if you read it more than once it's gonna be different. But that's okay… I just hope I can keep the timeline straight!-- **

**ETA: Wow, y'all, I really need to work on my editing skills… sorry! I think I've caught all my errors this time!**


	3. Potions

**Potions**

"Wait, how did you finish so fast?"

Severus Snape looked up from bottling a bit of Wit-Sharpening Potion to see two Gryffindor girls one table over trying to finish the assignment. He saw Lily Evans also corking her own sample of potion for marking, while her tablemate Caitlin Reilly begrudgingly continued work on hers.

"Oh, you're almost done, too," he heard Evans respond to the flustered blonde. The former peered into her mate's cauldron. "Oh, I see. Look, you just need to cut the ginger root smaller… it's too big…"

Severus looked back down at his bottle and, averting his eyes from the Gryffindor girls, he briskly strode to the front of the room to hand off his potion for marking. God only knew how much it irked him to have someone, whether knowingly or not, competing for his position as top student in Potions. She could have tops in Charms or Muggle Studies for all he cared, just leave Potions _alone_.

As he turned to go back to his table, he was stopped by a hand on his shoulder. "Oh, you're done, too?"

He looked at her, pausing to register her facial expression. Lily Evans, as usual, seemed genuinely happy. He broke eye contact. "Yeah... would've finished sooner, but I almost ruined it twice..." _Why did I just say that? Not helping!_

He continued back to his place and began putting away his things. Lily Evans, on the other hand, quickly delivered her potion to Slughorn and decided, apparently, she wanted to continue conversation.

"I had to start all over once," she readily admitted.

"You must not have been far along," Severus responded mechanically, focusing his attention on getting everything back into his bag in the right order.

"Well, no, but still, you didn't have to start over, so you should worry so much about _nearly_ messing up. Each day has enough worry of its own, right?"

The bell rang. "Right," he muttered, mentally adding: _You have no idea._ And taking advantage of the chaos of students frantically stuffing half-finished potions into bottles while meanwhile Slughorn shouted over the din their assignment for next week, Severus slipped out of the class and headed to the common room, where she couldn't find him to try and cheer him up or something...

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"_Dunamis,_" he said, and entered the common room. (The one thing about entering this room was that each time, Severus felt that if he grew much more he would be threatening the ceiling.) Not many people had stayed inside today; it was probably one of the last warmish days they'd have that term, and Severus could only assume that's where everyone was. He liked it better this way. He pulled from his bag his copy of _The_ _Dark Forces: A Guide to Self-Protection_ and, almost mindlessly, began reading chapter seven again.

"_Nadroga, though highly useful in various potions, is often the simplest way for a Dark wizard to eliminate opposition through poisoning. In some cases, simple surface contact with pure belladonna is enough to cause a possibly fatal reaction. Any concentration of Nadroga not counteracted by sopophorous juice in double amount will immediately poison the victim. The only known antidote to belladonna poisoning (besides the forcing down of a bezoar (see Works Cited)) is a combination of Mandrake leaves and the stem of an infantile _mimbulus mimbletonia... _In 1944, the Dark wizard Grindelwald attempted the mass poisoning of a small Icelandic village by contaminating the water supply with a potion involving Nadroga, belladonna, and hellebore to obtain a stronghold inside... _"

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"Good morning, everyone." Slughorn said from behind his desk, which was lined with their potion samples from the previous week. "I want to begin with saying this: your OWLs are next year, and though this may seem a long time for most of you, it's not." He wagged a fat finger in correction. "You cannot hope that you will somehow improve your potion-making abilities without dedication and initiative. And you will see, several of you, why I had to say this when you receive your marks from last week. However, I do want to mention," --his round face lightened-- "Two exceptional jobs well done. Both Ms. Evans and Mr. Snape have created two of the best concoctions of Wit-Sharpening Potion I've ever had the pleasure to mark. Of course, by now, this shouldn't come as a surprise..." He grinned benevolently in Evans's direction. "But still worth mentioning.

Anyway, before you start on today's assignment, I advise that you come forward to collect your marks, and once you have, begin work on your Memory Potion. And _do_ be smart about it! We don't want another incident like last time, do we, Mr. Pettigrew?"

Severus saw Pettigrew's face flush as he mumbled, "No, sir, we don't". Black, Potter, and Lupin, ever nearby him, cast each other slightly humorous glances. Black noticed Severus's gaze, and, levitating a bunch of Nadroga plant parts, pointed subtly at Severus. He mouthed, "My gift to you," smirking. Severus's blood boiled, but he lowered his head to his cauldron.

He set him materials before him, and, eying the instructions Slughorn had written for them, began thinning the Jobberknoll feathers to add to powdered moonstone once it was heated right...

"_Oh, my God!"_ The screeched exclamation jolted Severus out of his concentration, and when the shrieking continued he was forced to take notice. Turning around, he saw Caitlin Reilly staring at something on the floor, with her cauldron on its side and a sad-looking mess spilling from it. The concoction dripped off the table and onto the floor, where, from behind the table, Severus could just see the tail end of someone's dark red hair.

Severus reached into his robed and extracted a vile with murky green-brown liquid in it as Professor Slughorn made his way to the center of the commotion as quickly as he could. Reilly was continuing her repetitions of, "I don't know what happened, she just tried to help me and-- Oh, I'm _so_ sorry!"

Severus crossed the space between where he'd been working and where the commotion now was and saw a very wan Lily Evans lying haphazardly on the floor, apparently unconscious. Slughorn hardly needed long to examine the area to see what had happened, nor did Severus.

"Sir!"

Slughorn glanced toward Severus, and saw that in an outstretched hand he held the greenish bottle.

Quickly Slughorn snagged the offered vile and flung out the cork. Raising Lily's head from the floor, Slughorn pinned the bottle to her mouth and poured in the tiny bit of liquid.

And for a moment everyone waited. For a moment everything stopped. For a moment no one breathed. And for a moment Severus feared he'd ruined it. But then Lily's eyes opened and focused. Still she was abnormally pale, but at least she was no longer unconscious.

_Right... so... my part's done..._ Severus hardly treasured standing there with everyone, including Lily Evans from the floor, staring at him as if waiting for him to do something miraculous. So, he turned away and, as casually as he found possible, drifted back toward his spot.

"Mr. Snape--" Slughorn's call stopped him in his tracks.

"Sir?"

"Take Ms. Evans to the hospital wing, won't you?"

Evans was now sitting on the floor, as if it was a regular pastime for her, with her back and head resting on the leg of the table behind her. She looked, puzzled, at Slughorn and began to protest, "But sir, I think I'm—"

"I would feel _much better,_" he emphasized, cutting her off. "--if you went to the hospital wing." His eyes turned back expectantly to Severus.

_What else do you expect me to say, "No"?_ He bit the inside of his mouth, wishing he'd already mastered that invisibility charm… "Yes, sir."

As Slughorn, satisfied, walked near the door and held it open, Lily rolled her eyes. "I'm _fine_," she mouthed to the floor.

"C'mon." Severus, standing above her, held out an obligatory hand, though averted eye contact.

Lily took his hand and pulled herself up. Severus could feel her shakiness, and had to agree with Slughorn that it'd be better if Madame Pomfrey checked her out.

After having left the classroom, the two walked along silently in the hallways, Lily using Severus as support intermittently. A while into their walk to the hospital wing, Severus spoke (rather quietly): "You lied about feeling fine, didn't you?"

Lily paused and looked at him and raised an eyebrow. (Severus had never noticed until now how brilliantly colored were her eyes.) "I prefer to avoid the hospital wing if I can help it." She broke into a smile and laughed. Then, gesturing to continue, she added, "I just feel tired now, really, and a little shaky."

"It's normal," he responded automatically. _No one's _making_ you say anything. Just take her there, drop her off, and go back. _

"Can you slow down a little, Severus, please?"

"Oh…" Unconsciously, he'd quickened pace, and Lily was looking pale. He slowed. "Sorry…"

"It's fine." She grinned. A moment later, she broke the silence again with: "Hey, do you… erm… know what happened? I'd love to know what kind of chaos I caused."

"Apparently you're one of the few affected by surface-contact Nadroga poisoning… congratulations." He'd hesitated before adding the last word, hoping he wasn't stepping across some kind of line.

When Lily responded with "Thank you," and smiled again, Severus finally exhaled, relieved. After another moment, she continued, "Caitlin was confused about something Slughorn had said, so I was going to show her how I'd do it, and then, well," She made an exasperated noise as if to say, "Well, you know."

"Yeah, you must have made contact and—you hadn't added the Nad—?"

"Not to my own yet," she interrupted. "So what happened next?"

_Why does it matter? You aren't dead, isn't that good enough? _"Well," he started slowly. "Some people were messing around… that Gryffindor, Black, was shooting things across the room… Apparently he has bad aim… One of his Nadroga roots hit you… You fell… Reilly screamed… Slughorn gave you an antidote to the poisoning… and, well…" He shrugged.

"Well, thank God he thought ahead and had an antidote ready. I'm a bit partial to living, you know." She was smiling again. It seemed she was always smiling. And yet she'd managed to avoid annoying the mess out of him with her ridiculous optimism.

"Yeah… I… he expected someone would need it, I think… doubt he thought it would have been you, though… All right." He'd stopped, as they'd reached the hospital wing and Severus's charge was complete.

As Madam Pomfrey came bustling out of her office to see to her new patient, Lily looked toward Severus and rolled her eyes again. Smiling knowingly, she told him, "Well at least I'll have time to stir up a big pot of revenge for Sirius Black. I'm thinking something involving instant scalping…"

Severus couldn't suppress a grin at the thought of a bald and girlless Black, and as Madam Pomfrey stepped into the doorway where they stood, already questioning Lily as to her ailment, Lily beamed. "You know, Severus Snape, you have a very warm smile. It becomes you."

Severus walked away, heading back to the dungeon. And he still couldn't suppress a grin.  
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**Author's Note: Never use Wikipedia as your sole source unless it works in your Hnrs. Modern Western Civ. class... not as a source for fanfiction stufflings... :)**


	4. The Letters

**This next short story, "The Letters", DOES have spoilers from DH... so no reading if you haven't finished the novel!! (This means you, TftL!)**

The Letters

Three hard knocks on the doors caused Lily Evans quite a start, as at the time her whole concentration was on the knitting needles in her hands. She set them on the table before her neatly and peaked through the blinds.

Upon opening the door, Lily's eyes met those of a very pleased eleven-year-old. "Lily, I've got my letter!" Severus Snape whispered excitedly, showing her a thick and heavy envelope with an elaborate seal. "I've got mine, have they given you yours?" 

The light that had lit up Lily's face a second ago evaporated at the question. "No..." She motioned the boy inside and closed the door. 

"Oh," and quickly he added, "Well, I'm sure yours is coming today, too. I'll bet they send out the owls first..."

"Yeah... Petunia still thinks you're lying to me." Lily was looking out the window now, and Severus knew whom she was waiting for.

Her statement, though, deflated the euphoria that came with his Hogwarts letter. "I'm not a liar."

"Oh, no... I know that, but she's just..."

"I don't see why she m--"

"Oh, Sev, someone's coming!" She waved jubilantly for Severus to come where she stood by the window. "Do you think that's them? I mean, her? From-- from Hogwarts?"

Severus looked at the woman approaching the Evans' house. She certainly looked like a teacher to him, with her stern gaze and set features, and her graying hair was taut in a bun. She even had squarish glasses on her nose. She was carrying a package of things in her hand. "Yeah," he said after his quick observation. "I think that is her."

Lily tore her visage from the window and ran to the stairs nearby. "Mum, Dad, they're here!" Severus watched her smile spread across her face as she called for her parents again, and a smart knock sounded from the door.

Severus heard the footsteps of her parents descending the staircase, curious (or dubious?) looks on their faces and then a door from above closed heavily. _Petunia._

As the hand of Mrs. Evans reached for the doorknob, Lily fetched her father's attention. "Severus can stay, can't he?"

Mr. Evans' eyes searched a moment for Severus, who had found his way into a corner between the cabinet, which hid the television, and the door. He'd thought that when the door opened, he'd leave Lily and her family to discover Hogwarts on their own, but on hearing her request, a little jolt when in his chest. He stepped out farther from the corner to meet Mr. Evans's unsure face. He could never tell what Mr. Evans thought of him, and wondered fleetingly if he's learn magic to tell...

"Of course." A polite smile broke the bemused expression of Lily's father.

Mrs. Evans had already begun showing the newcomer to a seat, and Severus noted the yarn and needles folded neatly before the guest. _Lily knits._

Severus, now sitting between Lily and the edge of the sofa, absentmindedly traced his finger along the grooved Hogwarts seal on his letter as the visitor began to speak.

"Mr. and Mrs. Evans, I am Minerva McGonagall, and I would like to speak to you about your daughter's education..."

_It's real. It's real, and I will finally be in the right place... Just me and Lily-- Seven years!_


	5. Which to Bury, Us or the Hatchet?

**Which to Bury, Us or the Hatchet?**

"Mrs. Evans, is Lily home?"

"Yes, let me just..." Mrs. Evans looked into the room behind her, and then turned back toward Severus, standing emptily on the threshold, with a bemused expression. "Well, she was here... Wait one moment, dear." She crossed the short distance to the stairwell and called up for Lily.

"What do you want?" The sharp voice came from outside, right next to him.

"Lily?" He tore his eyes from the Evans' living room to see two jade eyes narrowed at his presence. With a quick look back toward Mrs. Evans, he called, "She's outside here," and then turned his attention to Lily. Her arms were crossed and jaw set. "...What did I do?"

"We've been through this. I don't want any part in--"

"Lily, _please_ don't make everything about that, it's not that--"

"Not that big of a deal?" The jade green now reminded him poignantly of vipers.

He bit the inside of his cheek. This was _not_ how it was supposed to happen. "Look, I--" Severus sighed, leaned against the house. "Can't we just..." (The door clicked shut behind them.) "I wanted to... I don't know... do stuff before school starts... and all that crap starts up again..." 

"Sev." He opened his eyes. Hers were a little less narrow now. "I _wish_ everything didn't have to be about _that_, but it _is_! I can't pretend otherwise. I can't just lie and say it's okay, anymore. Because it's not."

"That's why you wouldn't talk to me all summer? I missed you, Lily." 

An uncomfortable moment of silence passed. Then, unfolding her arms, and sliding down to sit below the front window, Lily said, voice low, "Everything changed faster than I expected." She looked up at him from her spot so far below. "You don't really think all that awful stuff about Muggle-borns, do you? _Really_? Because I can't--"

"_Stop it!_" Not a shout, but a whisper. "Just... _stop_. I..." He paused, sat down beside her. "One day, Lily. Just one day before we go back there, and all that 'I'm better than you because of X' rubbish is shoved down our throats, you know that? It's like they force-feed it to us, to learn how to hate each other. Stupid Sorting," he muttered the last phrase while kicking away dead leaves off the porch. "Don't you want," (he eyed the profile of the redhead next to him) "Just one day, today, where none of that matters? Where people don't... _expect_ things from you, just because of where you come from?"

She looked at him, with quite an I-can't-believe-you're-actually-asking expression. "Well, of course."

"Then let's _go_!" Finally, he thought, he broke through! A slight smile began to play at his lips. "Let's make that day today, Lily."

Lily's face changed abruptly. With a minute and playful grin, she asked, "Who are you, and what have you done with Severus Snape?" 

"I know you can do better than that," Severus responded, standing to his feet. "What about, 'Who are you, and what fiend possessed you to make a Polyjuice potion from _Severus Snape_? He couldn't've been a particularly tasty batch.'"

Lily, now standing as well (she was still nearly a head shorter than Severus), let out a laugh. "Mmm, imagine that as a flavor in Bertie Bott's... 'Look, Mum, I found a Sev-flavored one!' Ewww, people-flavored beans...Ghastly!" She shuddered falsely. 

"Hey... I'm going to take you somewhere, okay?" He stepped onto the lawn. She followed.

"Okay..." 

He stopped and turned to her. "Is it all right if we...?" He waved his hand as if shooing something away from him.

Apparently understanding, she nodded fervently. "Yeah, no one notices, especially at this time of day..."

"Good." And on the spot, he turned, Lily in tow, and vanished from sight.

A moment later, after the uncomfortable sensation of Apparition ended, the pair's ears were bombarded with noise from every direction, as well as their eyes with lights and noses with smell. "Sensory overload," he muttered, inaudible over the ruckus. But the light that filled Lily's eyes as she took in the surrounding scene, he decided, made it worthwhile.

"You didn't..." she said in happy awe. "I can't believe-- The Beauxtruckles?!" She laughed, throwing her head back, and keeping her hand on Severus so as to not loose balance. "Sev, I thought you _hated_ The Beauxtruckles!"

He shrugged. "Only because everyone else likes them... Now's their chance to prove they aren't overrated."

"Oh, my God, Severus..." She pulled him forward. Before them stood a massive throng of people, separated from them by a large metallic fence, which looked like it was quivering. Severus couldn't be sure if it wasn't magic or the vibrations of the cacophony causing the illusion. In front of the crowds stood a large lit stage with five small men scattered about it, and as the lights focused on the musicians, the crowd let out an insane roar. Severus, still taking advantage of the noise, said plainly, "Try knocking it down a few decibels; deaf fans are little benefit to you..." 

Meanwhile, Lily was gravitating ever-so-rapidly to the quivering gate. She stopped. "Sev, we can't go in!" she shouted back to him. "Do you have--?"

With a nod toward the throng, Severus stepped through the gate and pulled Lily along with him. He showed her as they walked through the shivering sensation the fencing caused that the tickets were in his hand, and that they dissolved as the pair joined the mass of witches and wizards chanting for "Beaux-Truck-LES! Beaux-Truck-LES!" 

And when the tallest, most mop headed member of the group donned a guitar and asked the crowd, rather unnecessarily, "Who's ready for some Wizards' Rock at Callaway Park?!", Severus rolled his eyes. _Come off it now, 'Wizards' Rock'?_ But upon seeing the elation on Lily's face, the brilliant eyes flattered by her smile, he couldn't help but laugh. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

After what seemed like hours to him, Severus and Lily somehow managed to escape the exiting throngs "without any major wounds", as Lily told him jokingly, though weary. "What time is it now?" 

"Dunno... ask someone."

Apparently it wasn't that urgent for Lily to know the time, because she didn't pursue the subject. Rather, she repeated for the umpteenth time, "Oh, my _God_, Sev, the _Beauxtruckles_ !"

"Yes, Lily, the we-can't-handle-spelling-our-name-properly-so-we-attempt-creativity-with-false-Franco-phonetics-Beauxtruckles." 

Lily laughed. "Hey, if the Muggles' Beatles could do it..."

"Who?" 

"Nevermind." She was still smiling, though very obviously tired. Severus had to cut his pace in half for her to keep up, so upon reaching one of the stone benches which lined the sidewalks throughout the massive park he sat and told her, "Stay here for a bit... it might make a fairly decent napping place, if you want."

She seemed ready to melt into the rock of the bench and said contentedly, "No, just to sit and be for a while is nice."

_To sit and be,_ he thought. She always said such profound things and never noticed them. _To sit and be..._ "Yeah, it is."

The crowd had thinned very rapidly after the show ended, and of that Severus was immensely grateful. A good many people still conversed and traversed across the walkways, but at least now there was room to breathe, and to be somewhat set apart.

After a moment, Lily began, "Sev, I can't believe you did this; you must have been planning this for so long! They sold out a month a go, didn't they?"

Severus shrugged. "I dunno... I just knew you're always going on about them, and singing... especially that one song... 'Your House-Elf Should Know'... God, what ridiculous lyrics!"

"Aw, come off it, Severus. I saw your face when they sang 'In Her Eyes'. Don't try to pretend you didn't at least enjoy that bit." Her smile was daring him to say otherwise. Then she pursed her lips, breaking eye contact. "I'm sorry I've not been as good a friend lately; it's just all that--" She lowered her voice. --"Death Eater stuff... it's frightful. I was so sure-- so scared you'd gotten pulled into that..."

He thought that he could hear her trying to stifle tears in her voice. "Lily... don't berate yourself... you aren't exactly replicable."

"I'm going to use you as a pillow, okay? Just for a bit. It's got to be better than a rock for a pillow, right?"

"Sure." And inward he smiled broadly as his shoulder became her pillow, and the deep red contrasted against the black.

Some time passed, and Severus realized he had fallen asleep as well, however lightly, because something had woken him up. He'd thought he'd heard someone calling him. He looked from the corner of his eye at Lily, still dozing. Not much time must have passed. But there it was again! Someone was saying something, very close by, to him. " _Durmiendo_," he whispered, directing his wand at the sleeping Lily. Content that she'd not be disturbed, he lifted her head off of him and placed it as softly as he could on the bench after he rose.

Wand at the ready, he began to walk a slow circle on the sidewalk. Not a quarter of the way through, he finally made out what he was hearing. "_Snivellus..._" Two more steps to find the source and then a whispered, " _Hey, Snivellus, are you blind now, too?_" 

James Potter came into view, seemingly out of nowhere. His wand, too, was ready and waiting for use. "Enjoyed the concert, Snivelly? Didn't know you were into normalcy now." He nodded toward where Lily lay sleeping. "What'd you do to her?"

"Most people would call that sleeping," Severus said clearly. "You couldn't wait for the term to begin, could you?"

"What, to stop you from messing with Lily? Never too early for intervention. _Expelli--!_" 

"_Protego!_" He chortled. "You really need a new first move,_ Potter._" 

"How's this for _new first move_, then?" And he saw James rush at him, nail him to the ground, smashing his fist into any bit of Severus he could reach.

Taken off guard, Severus concerned himself more with defending his wand than himself, and as quick as he could manage under the assault, found himself pinning the tip of his wand to the hollow of James's cheek. James stopped at wandpoint. "Resorting to Muggle retaliation, Potter?" Both were breathing quite heavily now. "Not confident enough in your own magic? Or is it that you fear an embarrassing, albeit probable, defeat in front of the object of your _filthy_ affections?"

"James?" came a female's voice. It passed unheard.

"Less talk, more action, Snivellus." James smirked, and James pressed his wand likewise onto Severus.

"James!" Lily's voice was much sharper, much closer, and much harder to ignore now. "Severus!" Neither had noticed, but the girl had woken up and was now trying to force the two apart.

"Not now, Lily," James said, not taking eyes off his prey. "I need to have a chat with Sni--"

"Don't _call_ me that!" And on the emphasized word, Severus sent a spell through James that shot him back onto the ground, a terrible burn growing from the point where Severus's wand had aimed.

James began to get back into his feet, apparently ready for a counterattack, but Lily stood between the two, eyes once again narrowed and hot, akin to a viper's. "Go-- _away_-- James. _Now_." 

James looked aghast, mouth lax in surprise. "I'd thought you were better than that, Lily. You're still going to defend that dirty little git, after--"

"_Now_, James." Lily's back was to him, but Severus could hear in her voice the ire masking the urge to cry. He only needed James's shocked face to tell him that Lily was now aiming her wand at him in turn. "I'm dead serious."

A flash of loathing crossed James's face in the moonlight as he stowed his wand away. "Fine." Clearly, though, everything was not fine, as his volume increased with every word. "I just hope you're this stubborn when he hands you over to _You-Know-Who_!" 

Lily immediately shouted, "_How dare you?_" and Severus began, "_Sectums_--", but James had Disapparated-- gone, just as Lily had ordered.

And then, she turned her icy glare to the flushed and bruised man behind her. Her look was quite foreboding, as with each step toward him she let fall one word in her anger. "I-- _trusted_-- you-- _again!_-- And-- you-- _lied!_" 

_I just got her to talk to me again, I can't let him ruin everything!_ "Lily, you don't actually think I'd-- but-- It came from _James Potter,_ he'd say anything to--"

Lily's face shone in the half-moon light, and it sent an awful lurch inside of him to realize it shone with angry tears. Again. A nasty guilty feeling weighed him down. She stood directly before him now, and pointed to where Potter had just been. " _That_ wasn't a cruel joke, Severus! _That_ was genuine! He's grown up a bit, unlike you! He's got reas--" 

Severus, pushing her hand down, wrapped his left thumb and forefinger like a bracelet around her wrist. "He'd jump at the chance to label me like that, especially to you! He's never--"

And the next words out of Lily's mouth were filtered through a bitter shriek: "_For once, don't blame someone else for your sins_!" And she took advantage of Severus's hold on her hand, grasping it with her left and forcing up his sleeve with her right.

"No!" he responded automatically, and wrenched his arm from her grasp, thought Lily had already seen the Mark. Her hand dropped; she stepped back a bit. Her wide green eyes would have shown fear if it were not for the disgust etched on every inch of her face.

"I've learned one thing tonight..." she began, glaring at him scornfully, to a degree she had never done before. "No matter how many second chances you give a person, they'll always let you down. And in your case, _stab their friends in the back._" She turned abruptly and walked with great and angered speed down the walkway.

He wanted to go after her, but couldn't bring himself to move. He stared at the storm of red hair moving farther away from him. "You don't understand, Lil--"

That stopped her. She turned back to look at him, clearly appalled. "No, Severus, I don't. And frankly, I don't want to understand a liar. _A Death Eater._" 

He moved toward her. "Look, I'm--"

"Don't ever talk to me again." Plainly, she was crying now, though her voice and face were steady as ice. "Don't come to my house. Don't speak to my family. Don't even look at my friends. _I never knew you._" 

And she Disapparated on the spot. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------- 

After the instant of uncomfortable sensation, Lily Evans Apparated in front of a pretty, picturesque home with a warm, yellow light shining through the window to her right. She inhaled shakily, hardly quick to recover from nearly 7 years' worth of companionship razed by one dreadful moment, and knocked on the door.

The door opened, and she looked up to see familiar, bespectacled hazel eyes staring curiously back at her. At that moment, she refused to pretend it was all right anymore. Shaking, blatantly crying now, she allowed James Potter to escort her across the threshold as she started, "You were right about _everything_!" 

"'Course he was," came a playful voice crossing into the room from the hallway. "What was he right about?" Sirius Black asked absent-mindedly and to no one in particular. Then his eyes fell on the sight in the living room before him, with James trying to console a clearly crushed Lily. "Oh..."

James led his unexpected, though much appreciated, visitor to the pristine sofa and sat beside her. Now concerned himself, Sirius sat across from the two, leaned forward to hear what she was saying.

"...saw it right there, plain as day, that-- that Mark!"

Sirius shifted smugly in his chair. "Don't wanna say we told you so, but--"

"Shut it, Sirius." James shot his friend a warning look, then back at Lily his gaze softened. "Did he do anything to you after you saw?"

She sat up, as she had been leaning on James, and wiped her face of tears. "N-no... no spells or anything... "

Sirius stood up, and somberly thought aloud, "She might be Imperiused, James. We should--"

"I'm _not_!" It was Lily's turn to strike Sirius with a glare. Eyeing James again, she repeated, "I'm not."

Again, James chided Sirius with his eyes. "She's not, okay?" 

Sirius held up his hands in surrender. "All right, all right, forget helping. Would you like me to exit the room?"

"Yes, actually..." James hesitated not to say.

Taken aback at first, but understanding his friend, Sirius backed off and James remained with Lily. "We'll take care of 'im, Lily," he told her quietly, assuredly, as with every word she seemed to produce more tears. "We'll take care of 'em all... greasy git's picked the loosing team from the beginning... I won't leave you to their wands, even if it means the rest of my life, until I die... Trust me, Lily."

She nodded, then her eyes rested firmly on his. "I do."


	6. I Play Dead

_  
Follow  
The hand  
The furnace  
The straight face…_

---"…And the Rest Will Follow"  


He crossed the threshold, the sole of his shoe creating an ominous echo as it met the cold floor for the first time. It was the most dark sight in every sense of the word, and yet what else was to be expected? He felt his dry throat constrict as if it wanted to feign normalcy through its unease, though no such trepidation was betrayed by his features. The door had opened only after a series of passwords, questions, and a rigorous battering of Legilimancy (only after that was he allowed entrance); at first everything was black and the room was endless, but his eyes were quick enough to adjust. And upon this adjustment, his visage was filled with two rows of upright bodies, all physicality unidentifiable courtesy of the cloaks black as the abyss and masks in homage to Death's head itself. The power that a simple image, a simple _name_ could wield reigned hand-in-hand with infinity, and _this_ would be its throne room. He well knew that. It was the truest reason for his presence.

Across the expanse of midnight that encased the room a wand was lit, an iridescent, watery glow emanated from a central point of an orb, revealing the pale, spidery hand of its owner. The pulsing light grew so that it shone on its master in entirety: even viewed from such a distance as it was, the crimson snake's eyes, the slip of a mouth, the skull's paper-thin covering of pale-grey skin (so that every bone and muscle's movement shown as prominent as the wandlight) and the nose so serpentine that it would have been nigh invisible in a profile hit the pupils of his own dark eyes as if they formed a solid cement wall. He had never seen the Dark Lord before this; it came at him like a hurricane: magnificently deadly, and merciless as it was strong. 

The hand free of an occupant, the right one, motioned for advancement from him. "Approach your Lord," came the accompanying words, the voice entering his ears like ice, sending a chill throughout his form. It would be impossible to remain…

Each step, each solid, burning echo off the invisible floor brought Fate closer into focus, the Dark Lord her vessel. He locked eyes with the serpentine slits opposite him throughout his progression and refused to allow the shock and whatever else might be swimming in his mind to control his body language. _This_ was right. _These_ were the ones who would survive in the end. The Dark Lord was succeeding, and those not joined with him would be eliminated from this world like flies in the way of the feast…

"Severus Snape." The thin slit in the deathly face of the Dark Lord twisted into a surreal flicker of a smile. "Lord Voldemort has been waiting for you… Waiting for you to assure your loyalties, to secure your skills, and-- most of all-- to break those bonds that were… _hindering_ you."

He briefly allowed a pair of jade eyes to cross his mind before shunting the image behind the barricade, chiding himself not to make that mistake again. _It's over. It never began._ He knew what was required of him next. With rapidity he lay bare his left forearm, fist unconsciously clenched tight enough so that the veins in the wrist showed like twisted highways of blood in the eerie light of the wand above them. "I am at your disposal entirely, my Lord." His eyes were now glued to the wand's iridescent point, whose pinpoint light now radiated growing heat.

Without raising his voice, the Dark Lord's next words sounded to each present as if he was there at their shoulders: "Severus Snape has openly committed to loyalty to Lord Voldemort, and in that commits his life to my judgment and will." And then, so quiet that only Severus could hear the words but so strong that he was sure not a soul missed out on the utterance, he confessed with enjoyable ease in Severus's ear, lowering the now burning wandtip, "And this _will_ hurt."

Without a moment's mental preparation, the Dark Lord plunged his smoldering wand into the vulnerable flesh of Severus Snape, twisting it and digging it among the muscles an veins so that it felt to Severus as if the fire-filled wood reached his very marrow. The agony that the Mark's spell produced sent that fire throughout his entire body, engraining every cell of his being with the Mark of the Dark Lord so that even if his spine was cleaved to the cord by Gryffindor's own sword he would not have noticed. The ferocity of the spell blinded his vision, sending shocks of arbitrary color across his optical nerve, and it seemed as if every bone was soon to crack and every muscle ready to sever themselves after becoming far too intertwined in their mutual pain. It could not have needed more than a moment to be cast, but it seemed the Dark Lord wanted to prolong the moment, perhaps as entertainment for the gathered Death Eaters, but the cursed pain blocked this thought from entering his mind until long after it was finished. Screams and roars welled and itched to escape from his throat; every fiber of his being wanted no more than to wrench away, though his mind was begging, imploring for death to save him. However, through the severity of the Mark's spell the presence and power of the Dark Lord pulsed through his mind, his body, his very blood, and he refused to release a betrayal of the pain that the Dark Mark induced, though at every instant his breathing became more and more impossible, as the spell was tearing into his lungs, too, making them too fiery to even inhale, so he stopped breathing, only praying that the wand would be removed soon enough that he would live. All around him, suffocation. The entire world was suffocating alongside him, all falling, all fading, all embracing Death. And just at that moment, before Death's long tendrils wrapped around him, the spell was over. The agony abruptly ceased, and vision and hearing returned.

He felt as if he would collapse.

He did not.

Again, he knew what was expected of him. Conversations after leaving Hogwarts had given him enough knowledge to seem competent when he felt no more than a slug, hardly able to stand after the Mark so drained him. He lowered his arm, letting the sleeve fall over the newly marked skin and inclined his head, remaining so until dismissed, which, thankfully, was not long.

"Go with the others, Severus. You continue to prove yourself well before my eyes. Lord Voldemort does not forget such actions of fealty. I have use of you."

"Yes, my Lord," was all he could manage, and, with gratitude, all that was expected. Shaking severely from the assault of the Mark's spell, Severus took his place among the Death Eaters facing parallel to each other, now somewhat less stiff since he separated from the Dark Lord's wand. Now fully adjusted to the dim light, Severus pulled up his sleeve again, now for the first time truly seeing the imprint the Dark Lord had given him. The death's head was cruel, cold, and angular, with its winding serpent intertwining itself about and through its mouth like a devil's dance, the perfectly carved scales shimmering wickedly.

_This is it,_ he told himself. _I've made it. I've made it, and they will all know now who will win in the end. I_ won't_be part of the loosing team. _This_ is my life. _

This was his death.

_  
I know  
You ache  
But she is alive  
I know  
You ache  
But she's more than a story_

Your entries made public  
Your journals in crimson  
Her veins filled with red ink  
Your quill spills in crimson

---Project 86, "Cavity King"


End file.
